….“I sat there aimlessly
watching the grass swaying softly
in the courtyard of my mind.
Is this how emptiness measured?
A few grinning moments sprung by,
a few grievous moments trudged on.

Silence came and sat next to me
on that stone buried under
a thick growth of creepers.
I shuddered at its cold touch
on my nape, tell me, if it hugs me
will I become silence to you?

So you are eager a reader. Hold the book closer, breathe in the crisp breeze caged between the pages, caress the veined flower pressed in that chapter V. Can you smell the walk that I took on a sunny morning in the second month of previous summer, breaking silence of the park softly with my feet ? Have you seen me bending on my knees to collect those broken petals and twigs? Can you see me pause at those spaces to hug them and let a tale flow out of my heart? Would you kiss those lines  highlighted ? would you stop a while to read the scribble the woman left at this point ? 

A scribble….let me linger over this bit, taking a few cues from my life. Though I never’d felt this acute need to be in a relationship {more or less a conditioned system- being all alone & all by myself,  roaming & driving around the streets, ….yea, sure, it’s disturbing an observation, I get irksome these days if I have someone in the car sitting next to me and touching my CDs and books…! but it feels good that am emotionally independent}, there’s always been a need to love someone, which does not necessarily mean that I have this need to be loved. I could have loved my mother more fervently, my father more intensely, my sisters more dearly, my doggie in a more suffocated manner, but I know how they would react….to beat that predictability, “seen-felt” reaction, just like many others would have felt, I too felt this need to put myself to the fire test! well, can’t ignore the  primal instinct of being in love with or being loved by the male animal (completely alien to my life, carrying a bag packed with his own dreams, idiosyncrasies, fears, insecurities, tendency to misinterpret etc.). Within a relationship, I always had tried to be a streak of freshness, the way togetherness could be enjoyed, the way he can be surprised…but, so far, not even a single man was able to stand the feverish pace at which I breathe in freshness. Perhaps, it’s just too much. Not required! Somehow, I seemed to have gone against the basic fundamental rule of human’s existence ‘comfort – drawing comfort from known/regularized practices’. Never had ventured into a relationship, without expecting that expected, not so much desire for-visitor around the corner – dissatisfaction or failure. I come from this school of thought that every new relationship is a yet another step to move closer to one’s real self, in my case, myself. Nothing or no one is constant, but myself. Everyone including my parents, adorable sisters and friends are all “fringe benefits”, as continue to waddle through the murky waters of pain post a break-up or through that resuscitating efforts for a failing relationship. The earlier bitter rains were proven to be the hardest a season,{link: but never was the second}  I realized, we fail in our relationships, cause we are destined to {not a fatalistic view, but we are so much like puppets as driven by situations} or the circumstances get too strong or too murkier to fight against. But there’s a positive edge, We learn so much about ourselves and realize the resilience, the elasticity of our system during that pain…all those things we do indulge in – the never ending conversations with selves, consistent pats – gestures to strengthen selves, many a chant & philosophy falling over us consciously…and that’s how our systems gather one more layer of maturity. And when we are ready for the next relationship (need not be actively seeking one! but we are ready for the world again, instead of wallowing in the pain…how long one has to wallow in the pain…come out and show the truer fangs of your existence) …but the next time, we are far more mature, cautious, definitely raring to take risks, but calculated ones. yes, this animal we could be confronting is different from the earlier one. ..but, a new world, at the overall, is open for us to learn more about selves. That’s how I look at my two relationships (long distance ones! and many complexities that come as value-added services) or shall I say, heart-matters. Being a romantic, I fall in and come out of love many a time everyday, but the ones where I harbored/labored self were just two incidents in life so far. Life’s all about exploring things, being curious, taking risks (not foolish ones though), headlong collision with those alien concepts it’d thrown at us. One can’t afford to stay calm and brood over various kinds of possibilities, much before one could venture into it. You can not delight over the springy, velvety feel of dew-drenched grass under your feet, unless you move your limbs out of the comfort of the bench? you can’t find self lost in her pleasant voice that speaks volumes, unless you make a move or reciprocate her move ? It’s the sense of abandonment I am hinting at, one has to enjoy the relationship to a fuller extent, before it could happen…so much like gearing self up for the task! Sure enough, every relationship has two individuals – self and someone, & that much anticipated tussle! By tendency, I never ever had been the person plagued with a rich set of constraints, fears, insecurities and clairvoyance. As a corollary, situations did emerge where the other person shrunk right in front of my eyes as a damaged or insecured soul. And I never turned back despite the gloomy end, but mustered courage to pat self for being that well-acknowledged pleasant edge of a collapsed relationship and for not having taken a glimpse of the face fading into the crowds! Why are we drawn to certain kind of people – he/she could be either the mirror image of yourself or the one you always have aspired to be with. There’s no lower rung – either the same level or the complementary level or the higher aspirational level. At this stage, if fear does enter in the relationship, there’s just a carnival of hesitation over the cliff, which in no time would break down into fragments, unless one of them has the fortitude to sustain it. It’s magical a journey if  both have the ability to confront fear. What if, it does not happen –  one of them is not able to face the pressures and gets crumbled by the situations & other external/parental influences, then it certainly is heading towards a disaster around the corner.  Relationships need to be experienced, as they bring you closer to yourself, not the other person always! Through your actions, your thoughts and the sense of commitment to the other person, most of us come closer to the real self that’s hidden under many layers in us! Milan Kundera talks so high about being compassionate…Making self vulnerable is the hardest thing one could ever do to self, given the awareness of dirty/unpleasant consequences one faces. This depicts the inner strength to take the consequences in one’s stride and to move on. You know, loving someone is almost like extending yourself to the other person, and making space for her/him in your life, a conscious decision to have the person as an active ingredient in your life…such a beautiful step one makes!…love makes your eyes sparkle, you feel more youthful, high release of endorphins-those feel good molecules, feelers of being sexier, the groove you get into…yes, love or being in love is an inexplicable experience…One would never regret of having fallen in love as it makes one feel heady….most times, it is bound to head towards a disaster,pump in high ground disaster management, even if it is hurtling towards a collapse…smile at it, take the defeat in your stride..sure, we feel miserable for a while, the pain lingers as the dark shadow, dark circles/unfulfilled dreams gather under the eyes, one more baggage of darker & painful history is ready out there for one to carry it around, …beat the blues by indulging selves with delicacies and watch our tummies grow faster, or 220px-the_screamscream at the world, ‘hello anyone’s out there, am ready for one more relationship’…..umm! but you know, one thing never fails my attention …this is such a miserable phase of any relationship (Love pre-marriage, Post marriage, Post child marriagehood etc etc.) could get into…”the conversations seemed forced. As if both of us are carefully assessing each word before speaking. our wave has weakened. Words fail us, we are scared about each word, the heaviness looms large in the room, silence becomes unbearable, but feel helpless to fill in the silence, and through admitting this does not make it any stronger; it does give me an excuse to remain alone with you. At least, know that we’ve lost touch with comfortable silence”…Now am sure am rambling my way through, paving a cobbled stony way of perplexity….I remain here!{link: like them, he ran back to hug my fragrant bosom, but why am I cold?}

….as I said I am reading Faust by Ivan Turgenev these days…Pasynkov reads a fine poem “Resignation” by Schiller to the author. The whole setting of two boys sitting alone together in the shade of the lilac tree and savouring the poem made me curious…when I did the search for Schiller…I stumbled upon his charming philosophy towards life – AGAPE and his definition of love – the most beautiful phenomenon in creation endowed with soul, the omnipotent magnet in the world of mind, the source of devotion, and of the most sublime virtue – love is but the reflected appearance of this single primal force, an attraction of the excellent, founded upon a momentary exchange of beings...