inayearwuth13moons.jpg…I am still under the depressing influence of this movie. It is painfully sad and a difficult movie to watch. How would you feel when you watch a “sad poem” moving gently across the window? tell me how would you feel? you tremble, you quiver with some unknown pain, tears march down your cheeks silently, but to some beat in the corner. You are not ashamed of your tears, as they are emerging from those newer depths of your heart. They are like those brooks that murmur behind your backyard…..I fought valiantly with the sense of urgency that gripped me (a love struck woman!) to put down a note on this “sad poem”. But, I posted a message on the board, today morning, said in a tone of rectitude that I would fail while attempting my hand at this….therefore, I sought a help!

“I like to reconstruct  the conversations I used to have when I was 20 or so, and talked to people, to customers.And I thought, it must be possible to solve the problems. If I were, say, Adenauer, I could go to Moscow, and talk to them and the prisoners would be released. I have quite a different yearning now. It was so hard to conform, to situations I was forced into, or forced myself into. It makes no difference. Maybe I would like to…I do not know. Maybe I would like to go back Anton or to Irene. The yearning for Anton is something you hide from or something I hide from. With Christoph it was different.  I tried to give him what I did not get from Anton. And, I thought, I may, I could give it to Christoph. But it did not work out.  Giving him so much that he’d have some to give back to me. That may sound calculating, but it is not.  May be it’s, what one calls Love. I dont know. Irene and I, a kind of escape. Our relationship wasn’t entirely clear. It was an urge to get away from the situation we were in. That was the main thing. That’s how we came together. And the bonding agent…If you make soup too thin, you use some flour to thicken it. Marie-Ann was a kind of catalyst, too. I dont really know, what it is,…love. I always needed it, but I rejected the word. Marie-Ann, well of course, plays a role, but may be not so much for me as for Irene. ..Anton had his meat business and all kinds of strange deals. I don’t want to talk much about that. Everyone says Anton’s a swine. An idealistic swine. I don’t know what to say. But it didn’t affect me because I had to cope with this feeling earlier. Later, it didn’t interest me anymore. Earlier, I reacted differently too. I put up with a lot of things on account of Anton. It seemed natural to me that Anton was the stronger one, I the weaker. And he knew it. Naturally, he should have taken my side. Irene did. So why could not he? I do not know why you are asking me these questions. He did not write. I waited for him everyday but he didn’t come. The swine. He could have written. But no swine ever learned to write. What could he have written? he had to do his sums. That caused me a lot of suffering. Maybe it was right, what I did. I don’t know. I cant say. I am not sure. On the one hand, I was sure that it had to happen and that I wanted to die. On the other hand, I didn’t know what life held in store for me. Life is and held some kind of hope. And then again, things like comfort or maybe yearning.  Maybe I was curious to experience what those words really meant. And if I had really wanted to die. I don’t know. It probably came from the subconscious. Would I have written down my correct address? I can’t explain why I did it now. If I had really wanted to die maybe I would not have written it down. After the event, it’s so hard to talk about these things. When I wrote down Irene’s address, I was not thinking if anything at all. I just felt I had to fill out that registration form. Handsome stranger, the time will come one day when all my dreams become reality…. ..”

my fingers are at work….

….“I sat there aimlessly
watching the grass swaying softly
in the courtyard of my mind.
Is this how emptiness measured?
A few grinning moments sprung by,
a few grievous moments trudged on….
.if silence hugs me will I become silence to you?

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