miniature_painting_ragini_kamodi.jpg“Underneath the sheets,
I am left with his scent,
an echo of his ardent kisses
on my love-stained lips;

a dark secret in serpentine
embraced around my naked heart,
a wicked butterfly fluttering
on my sweat-drenched skin;

a thick layer of frozen silence
blinding my playful eyes,
snatching away the resplendent
dyes of my world;

a secret possibility of :
his foot-steps at the door,
a cheerful voice singing
over my nape, the hope suspends
under my soft breath;

Underneath the sheets,
I am inhabited
by my lifeless dreams….
And my silent screams?”……………………

Zephyr pined away
she talked of her dreams in
splendid solitude

listen to a roar of the wind
Or they dead leaves;
her delight is flown,
for whom should she have waked the sullen morning?

Madhavan said, The same old longing, but look what words can do to “same old” things! (I wanted to say crafted but there is plenty of inspiration in those lines to avoid that word!) Also one stanza reminded me of an old Hindi classic: “Zara see aahatein hoti hai, toh dil sochta hai/Kahin yeh woh toh nahin?(Classic music from Madan Mohan). And then, a typographical error could have given a different picture..in the last stanza, try saying “inhibited” for “inhabited”…and you nearly could have been less dukhi. On another point, male consciousness perhaps interprets longing as sorrow. Men! David sir pondered over “inhibited” vs. “inhabited” About the last stanza–

| Underneath the sheets,
| I am inhabited
| by my lifeless dreams….
| And my silent screams?”
I too wonder if “screams” is the best word;
the question-mark at end is puzzling also.
if the word was “inhibited,” maybe Jyo you mean something like this? —
| Underneath the sheets,
| I am inhibited
| by my lifeless dreams….
| And my stifled cries
If the word “inhabited is intended, then I wonder whether this is the sense (a poss. sense) of the poem? —
| Underneath the sheets,
| I am inhabited
| by my lifeless dreams….
| Where has he gone to?
Anyway, actually your poem here reminds me a bit of poems-of-separation that were popular in olden China (written by poets in song forms). Each line is enduringly poetic. Please drop the ‘silent scream’ line. It takes from the elegance of the rest of the poem and makes it sound trivial. Besides I think what you’re trying to say is implied throughout. However another line there will make it complete. Fred says, tThe verse beginning with “A thick layer of Frozen Silence ” really draws me into the pathos. You very subtly add to her initial inability to accept his walking away. “Was your embrace a wondrous dream and mine mere feathers blown by the wind?” I loved this comment particularly, as a child you seemed to have discovered that soft ,smooth and tingly pain of longing, and captured it beautifully. every word is like a variable linked to the other as if in a pattern…a dark secret like a wicked butterfly, you admire the pain but unable to tolerate it…
you drew me closer beneath low skies,
obscurity of all-lying gaze hesitated
a while,and your perspective lies
ahead my dawn; I lie inward fold
under this imagined skies

I say, Oh longing, the lad comes and holds one in his grip, he stays at one’s doorstep singing cheerfully. a pale facial expression, a wan look, that’s all one could have. Though he pulls one’s heart in indescribable directions, with a promise of flying together, surprisingly, we love the sweet pain, the murmurs of trips down memory lanes, one faints and withers…a song about this lad – longing, keeping one situation when most of us feel lonely (a feeling that comes so naturally,whether or not you single; loneliness, it hurts and makes you realize that this fundamental truth that at the end of the day, each one of us is leading his/her life, people enter our lives to do some practical renovation to our structure, bring in a few seasons – brighter ones and leave..}, underneath the sheets, our fears/insecurities.longings/desires, we sleep with (agree with me or not) run in random formats……..” {link:…I admire Shakira for being so driven, and she did render in her deep voice, Underneath your clothes there’s an endless story, there’s the man I chose, there’s my territory and of all the things I deserve for being such a good girl honey}

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